Today I was in Extreme Need for Anger Management

Since the end of last week, I started to become more and more aware of the terrible situation at my office. This is in relation to my role here. I have realised, with the help of few conversations with colleagues, that I have not been wished to stay. The obvious wasn't to me.

I am furious for one reason: I have been terribly unhappy here for a while already and they could have done something about it much earlier. Instead, they have kept me here for a period of time that was not necessary. My anger is way to obvious to my colleagues, and that bothers me too. It bothers me because I then realised about my own stupidity, why am I anger? I should not. Inside of me, I'm happy very happy to know that I will no longer work in this particular department. Then, I should not feel angry. But why do I?

In the past, when I have been in situations of change, it has been me the one driving them (or so that has been my impression). At this point, I am not driving this change, and for long time I have depended on finding another job, but not even a single interview has happened so far. Thus, I have been forced to be in a place where I am not happy for many reasons. I know, my story is that of many other people. I am not in the worst of circumstances either because until today, at least, I still have a job and an income. So, I am not really truly complaining on that side. Not at all.

So, up until the early afternoon, I felt pretty much bad. And one of my office colleagues highlighted the fact that I am obviously angry. I felt terrible about it. She tried to convince me of what I already know, I should be happy about leaving soon. Then, I went out for my lunch break. And, after a while of wondering about I realised (me and my multiple realisations stage), that I feel terrible because my professional self-esteem has been trashed. For eight months I have been applying for jobs, knocking on people's doors in many ways asking them to give me a chance. To have faith in me. No one has had it. Then, I learn that here, where I work, I am not appreciated at all, and I am not expected to stay. So, I don't have a future and I don't have a past. If there is nothing that makes me feel worthwhile (professionally speaking), then how am I suppose to understand my current position in that area?

OK, so I have been somewhere where what I do is not appreciated. How am I meant to feel about that? What are the lessons to be learnt? I guess I have been working in the wrong place for all this time. I made a wrong choice. I will amend that. Yet, my track record of work does not seem to suit my current pursuit. There is the biggest challenge, which leads me to my final question. What then, do I need to do in order to achieve what I want to get?

I do need to do what I haven't be able to do in order to work where I want to work. But, how do i do that? And the how means: when?

There shall be a transition period. Like a butterfly that works hard on building its pupa before it nests in it.

Back to Basics

Well, it has been really long time since I decided to give myself time to write over here. I have actually been toying with the idea of revamping this blog, but for one reason or the other, I have not done so.

I would like to retake my writing because I need to have this kind of place to put down my ideas and feelings. Whether I will do it, it's another matter.

So, my main motivator for coming back to writing, has been that as of this moment, and for unknown time, I don't know on whether I'll have a job or not. I work in the higher education sector, and I work in a university that is slashing departments, because they need to adjust their finance. Because this is not a good university, it has terrible reviews due to the poor performance of demotivated staff, and less students will want to put their big money in this university. Therefore, in order to afford the lowering in students numbers, they are shrinking departments, eliminating jobs, and increasing the workload of others.

Where I am now, won't exist as it exists currently. It has already been restructured, however we, the employees, will not know what will happen to us until probably mid-July. In mid-July I will be out of the country, which means that my director will have to phone me up to tell me the news about my position. Isn't this lovely? I'm not moaning, as I know other people have it harder. I'm only being sarcastic, which is the only way I feed myself in circumstances like this.

Now, I am waiting to know. In the meantime, I keep myself busy, and try to think less when I can about the possibility of not having an income for an unprecise amount of time.

The Body and Social Conventions: When it is a social matter

There is nothing new on the way people behave in relation to pregnant women. In this case I refer to strangers, people unknown to us, people we have never spoken to but who for some reason decide they can speak to us about our pregnancy.

Since my bump started to become more obvious, people -mostly women, but few men too- looked at me with cartoon-like eyes, almost so wide open that feels they'll pop out from their wholes. Then, people would ask 'oh, when is it due?'; 'do you know what's gonna be?' (to which I would have wanted to reply: it's none of your business).

Others, would express how they relate to my pregnancy by stating that their daughters had given birth a week ago or so. They would even show me a picture on their mobile phone. Last saturday, due to the snowfall, a lady at the supermarket till told me to watch my step when leaving. Would she have said that if I would have not been pregnant? That lady, actually, added to my stress as I was carrying quite few bags....

Yep, these experiences are rather wide-ranging. I do find these comments awkward. I don't mind them too much. I know is a social convention and people truly don't give a shit.

Yet, my point for writing this here is not to only baffle about the social conventionality of the female pregnancy as socially owned by the community. That, I already knew well in advanced, specially because I come from a society where people are very nosy. My interest is in asking: why is it pregnancy the only (or I may be wrong in this assumption), body experience in which the social feel free to involve itself and thus this practice being widely accepted? When we see someone on a wheelchair, for example, do we ask them 'what happened to you?', 'oh, my son had an accident last week, look at his picture'. Not really, we don't do that.

Thus, what are the limits of the body experience and the involvement of the social with it? Where can I be allowed not to turn around and tell someone, 'not too bad, yourself?' as the usually said salutation? I'm not ungrateful, not at all. The social is basic and important to make us feel part of something, to remind us that we are part of a community one way or another, and not simply ghosts. Although, most of the time we are only ghosts. Is it that pregnancy is such a 'joyful' situation where people have learnt that they can rejoice with others and that those others (sh)(w)ould be glad to share?

Waiting, days counting

Well, xmas, wedding anniversary, new year and even my birthday are almost here. The last two weeks of December and the start of the new year are always eventful days in my life. This time around is the most eventful ever in my life. Baby is coming out, sooner or later, and we are waiting for it.

There are times in the day that I fell quite well, not baby related thoughts. However, there are other moments when all that I could only have in my mind is baby and wondering about its livelihood inside of me. What is the secret life of a foetus? What does it do in there all day long? Must be quite boring, I think. It doesn't get much light, only hears the stupid music I listen to, the sounds of the kitchen (which is the place I spend a lot of my time), the sound of the telly (seldom on), and my laughter and conversations with my other-half. Ah, it may also sense when I move and it gets uncomfortable, just as I do. Must hear the sounds of the street, cars and bicycles, people. Now that I've written all of this, I think that it does have lots of stimuli, many things go on around it. The main difference between now and when it comes out from me, is that then, it will be (hopefully) less uncomfortable and very noisy!!!

I think that its participatory existence will be the strangest of situations for all of us. Although it currently participates of our lives, it does not have as much of an impact as it will have once it's out! I cannot begin to imagine the impact of its presence in our lives.

In the meantime, it is xmas preparation. Have the ham, and a list of many things that we need to gather like the squirrels we are. Also, need to decorate the house. The only decoration I've got around are the xmas cards we've received from family and friends. The cheap faux-tree has been in the kitchen for few days already... we've been too busy doing other stuff. Today, we shall make this house xmasssy.

Tomorrow, I'll try to figure out how to entertain myself once again.

Joulupukki

Hohohohohoho!!!!

Just a brief but certain expression of outrage

Right, so the British media has been telling us that one hundred soldiers have been killed during 2009 in their invasion of Afghanistan. My outrage comes from the logic that the war affairs entail: if you go to war, you may get killed. If you don't go to war, you may not get killed in war-styled manner (like hand-grenades, car bombs, etc.). As it is the case at least in the UK, people here are less likely to be killed vie war-like ways. Contrary to that, many other people in the world die as a consequence of war-like events, but that shall not matter to the Brits. As long as something does not touch them, it is irrelevant. However, this is socially natural.

So, the proposition of 'compassion' that we, the public in the UK, should be having for soldiers who enrol themselves into a war and participate of an ideology as the one behind this whole business that I'm not discussing here, and thus who get killed as a consequence, do make me feel like we, the public, are way too underestimated. Yet, I'm very sure that many members of the society do really fall for the information they are provided and they respond to the manipulation accordingly.

Now, my outrage is engrossed when I read, for instance,that just today over hundred people were killed due to explosions in Baghdad alone. Nonetheless, the one place that the UK media has given seldom attention, due to their little relationships with that country is Mexico. Today it has been reported that as of this year seven thousand people (7,000 people -civilians including elderly and children, Zetas, drug-dealers and the like-) have died due to the drug wars in Mexico.

But who gives a toss about that? Only monkeys like me who jump up and down trying to overcome the sheer fear and despair for the things that are happening and may potentially affect more and more the society of a country with such an endemic corruption. A place that at the same time is full of hope for better things to come for its people. These kind of events are closer to many of us than we realised or than we want to think. Yet, it's taking way to long to understand that.

Enter the Winter

As my first display for the upcoming winter, I'll fall with one of the most typical images of this side of the world: a robin. It's a pic borrowed from The Guardian showing a little bird standing on a frosty ground. This has been the first week, at least in England, when winter has been felt, so I thought it would sort of be the right moment to present one way in which the winter days are being experienced (at least by me) as of now.

On another note, it is one calendar month to the due date! My tiny little cake is still baking, and in a couple of weeks time will be ready set. Afterwards, it'll be a matter of continue the wait to meet the result: baby. I'll write more about that during the forthcoming waiting days.

Enter the last stretch of this bit of the walk

A year ago I realised that I wanted to walk the walk. I never thought I would want to have a child, and that was for many reasons that are pointless to express here. The important thing is that I changed my mind and, thankfully, things are heading towards meeting this child soon. However, before I reach the end of my pregnancy, or my body project as I've insisted on calling it, there are few things I need to finalise.

One of those things that need closing are related to work. It is interesting that at the beginning of the pregnancy I had so much work to do, way more that I've ever had. Stress was overwhelming in all possible extents, and now I have quite some commitments that commit me heavily with my career. Career is not a word that means much in my life, as for career a student has been my only successful pursuit. However, the fact is that I am compromised by work-related commitments that also sacrifice my personal time/space. This is, to be honest, the way I normally live. It is not news at all. The only thing that partially gets me is that once this is over, there is nothing else, just me and my free time to be prior to baby knocking on the door.

I have seldom be good at being. Only few times have I been successful without falling into my classic dark pit... And now, I have this conscious perception that my imminent 'free time to be' will be unique and finite. It will end once the baby feels like it's time to come to meet the world.

Hence, if I understand (as I elaborate above) that this weight of work that I have now will end soon to then provide me with the time to be. And, that such time to be is something precious, why am I feeling so confused/lost? Why do I complicate the present by wishing it would last longer? Is it my classic bottom-of-the-pit-reaching? Is it my usual drama that incomprehensibly misses the big picture just for no reason?

An Autumn Full of Rainbows

I don't know if people are normally what I, sometimes, call myself: I'm a mad Rainbow Chaser.

Either on the road, or while at home, when it is raining and the sunshine comes through, I search for a rainbow or rainbows. I'm greedy, always think that there can be more than one though, as it is the case on some occasions. Today, it was not the exception. It started to rain, proper rain, and then out of the nothing but thick grey clouds, the sunshine came through. I went to the other side of my house, and found a full rainbow, from side to side. Unfortunately, my bad-quality mobile phone pics do not make justice to what my eyes witnessed. However, these two pics sort of show a bit of the beauty that was out there.

Preparing my hybrid feast for the weekend!

If people still do not understand the existence of hybridity at the social level, I always think that they most live completely isolated from anything that goes around them. I just thought that I could use my practice for this weekend as an example, even as silly as it is. So here it is.

Tomorrow, I'll celebrate with a American-style pumpkin pie (got me pumpkin there, just need the remaining ingredients). I've got some squash to roast and have in a succulent salad (this is an English recipe). On Sunday, will be going to the British Museum to see Moctezuma's exhibition, as well as to participate of the Mexican Day of the Dead celebration that will take place in the museum. There will be Mexican snacks there!

So, how can I explain the hybrid that surfaces from these practices? I'm not in the full mood for complicating this further, but it clearly shows our ability as social creatures to acquire, without much pain, the things that different social practices have to offer to us. I fail to see here the idea that either of the cultures would take over the other ones. I rather experience them as experiences that may take place at different times, and that one can choose from according to our feelings as well as the need to satisfy our sense of belonging and what provides us more pleasure. It is truly a highly complex situation, that in my opinion, cannot be reduced to one or two explanations and analyses.

Expression from Nature

I found this image in The Guardian. There is a selection of wildlife photographic images that were winners at a competition this year. This particular one stroke me for the black & white imposition that makes it even more dramatic that it originally is. Also, because I've always been amazed when I have the chance to witness the starlings doing something similar in the sky. I've never seen anything of this magnitude though!

Not confused, just overwhelmed by the paradox

It is quite strange to realise that some of the (over)reactions to events, daily circumstances are the result of hormonal effects. In my view, the most surprising thing is that in spite of the awareness of the effects that hormonal unbalance brings into my response to events, it does not help me to feel better or to avoid responding the way I do. This way would normally be very very emotionally. Feelings of tender apprehension that take me to the limits of my mental disorder.

Sometimes, just like now, I wish I could manage and control. Isn't this supposed to be only a reaction from chemistry taking place in my body and brain? Is the effect of that reaction so powerful that does not allow me to execute a positive indifference to the pettiest of things? And the worst bit, or so i think now, is that due to the awareness of what causes my response, I must express that to the others, and let them patronise me at their leisure.

It is a paradoxical relationship between the body and the self. Too much to understand from the experience. Too little space/time to search and find the required patience/antidote before providing the regrettable response, specially with my closest ones, in my private social space. For instance, when I started writing this post, and while I was in the process of writing it, I was completely out of my head. I was even further disturbed to feel worse. But then, as I wrote and thought and expressed the loss of my self in this paradoxical relationship with the body, I felt calmer. No more unnecessary thoughts. However, this took me a while, and it wasn't easy to calm this well. But I'm at home, in a place where I can fully be and release from the chains of mutual misunderstanding and the need to save face.

Nevertheless, in a public social environment, such as being at work, sometimes I don't find the chance to calm and respond adequately. I mention the example of being at work, because unfortunately it has become the only social environment from which I participate and it has become my only point of reference and source of interaction to the social world... I know that such situation is one that feeds into the complexity of my current upheavals of emotions. If I would simply have more to do with other environments, I would probably felt that things were better than they are. But that is another story that remains to be written. Things will change for far better, very soon. Isn't the rule that the only way to break the paradox is to not participate from it?

Chameleon, Serial

Confusion on the things that matter

Lately, I've been too busy running errands that I have left this blog behind. Way too behind from everything that's being going on in and outside my life.

The most important thing has been that I've engaged in all sorts of things, and particularly one that has taken my breath away. It takes most of my attention and it seems like it will only get worse as time goes by. This is the prospect of a newcomer into my life.

Now, the reason that finally drove me to write again is that in the past couple of weeks, I have become a moaning machine. My body project, as I called it months ago, has of course become massive. Starting to ache here and there more than usual, and as the bump gets bigger and bigger the moaning increases. The fear to greater incomprehensible pain increases too. However, this has been challenged by two recent events of the same nature, that could not be compare to the pettiness of my psychological position. One of my dearest persons had a loss. This distressed me severely, however I could try to offer support, nothing would have made her feel better. The other situation is that an online relation is forced to facing the terrible decision of termination almost at the end of her pregnancy.

Situations where choices are not given to people, where extremes of psychological and physical pain that could not generate anything more than grieving, slap me the face of my self. Suggest me to shut up, and keep on going as things are going fine so far for me. The pain that I'm having is natural and so I should aim at experiencing this way. Yes, this is me admitting to that, but such thought is just intellectually questionable though.

That's so far, and may possibly prevail, my biggest challenge. The challenge that few could understand. And then, me realises that I'm a terrestrial moaner that's lost in the routine of everyday life. Having nothing else better to do than just to seek for pathetic ways of approaching something so incomprehensibly exciting and scary as sharing my life with a completely fresh little creature that grows and moves inside me.

Another example of the Mexican Unlawful and Racist Legal and Police Systems

This is a link to a brief interview -reported in The Guardian- made to an Otomi (indigenous Mexican) woman who has been unlawfully sentenced to 21 years in jail. She is just one of thousands of indigenous people in Mexico who are unjustifiably imprisoned. As it clearly says in her comments, she did not speak Spanish, was never presented to an interpreter, and did not know first hand the reason why she was put into jail. Basically, she was put into jail because some police officers accuse her of kidnapping them, which of course is a false accusation. What their intentions were, I don't know. It is truly a heartbreaking story, because is part of the history that repeats itself in Mexico, which is a racist country that remains segregating and abusing the indigenous people.

As few news present this kind of information abroad, it is massively important to show that in Mexico the 'law' is a scary place to be. The Mexican police in all its current shapes, is an authoritarian force that would most likely abuse the power it has in order to exert whichever agenda it has. No one seems to be able to do anything about it. It only induces deep fear in me.

Finally, it was going to happen sooner than later!

Great reason for me to come back to the blog.

How is it possible that in spite of her efforts, Hillary Clinton remains under shadowed? Is it because we do live in a misogynist world? Yep, I'm implying that this most be the case.

LIFE

I have been so busy, that inspiration for writing has not even been present, zero. Finally, a brief break that opens up the opportunities for being.

I love being, just that, for the sake of it. In the contradiction of such being, I launched my self into a long journey of questioning: why are we here? is there a reason for being? Yes, I tortured (really did) my self and others around me with those questions for decades on. I've been told so many times to stop doing it, and just keep on going. That things are simpler than I want them to be.

It was until very recently, a couple of months ago, when I started to understand that at least for me, life has always shown its meaning, but i was so immersed into it that I couldn't see it. Because I love to be, I always do life on my own terms, without compromising with the social -keep it to the strict minimum, which annoys people-. I didn't understand that that has been it, all along. It came to me with the body situation, and with the massive workload that did not let me do the 'being' that I pursue. I did not have a chance to be, my self was hanging there like a winter coat during the summer.

Finally, since yesterday evening, I have been around me, and felt as if I haven't slept for a day. An exhaustion overwhelmed my senses, and last night I started to rest down. And today, the gorgeous sunshine and warmth in the air, with time to do so, I let myself go.

Is this core need in people like me something beyond the explanations that neurologists can provide? I can immediately think that probably under elements such as neural communication and who knows what else, some parts of the brain could gain relief by the things that I do. And thus, we could just interpret that in the subjective way I've written it here. However, I would still want to think that it goes beyond that bio-chemical process.

Lost & Found

I have been having thoughts on how to continue the development of this blog. So far, I have included a wide range of comments, images, videos, that I have thought reflect the challenge that triggered this blog.

As of now, I have been very busy getting things done, that I have not given myself time to write; and that's why I have been simply posting non-original things.

However, I have a massive thing going on. A thing that I consider the biggest challenge to answering whether we are more than a chemical reaction. A body thing. This has been one of my long lasting enquiries in life, since reading philosophy back in high school. The duality or the dualism of body & soul? On the one hand, we have a "mind" determined by us having a brain. The mind is ethereal. We have a body representing the "holy building" that takes us around (physically) and that makes us recognise ourselves among others, and vice versa.

When a body thing is going on, organs, liquids, hormones, glands, etc. change in behaviour. These changes affect our mood, our relation to ourselves and to the outside world. Yet, being aware of the consequences of a body thing going on, does not necessarily mean that we can control them. Sometimes they are rather overwhelming, and we react accordingly.

Nonetheless, it is possibly in the "mindset" for controlling how we react/respond to the body's functions that we can fight a battle. This battle is created under the conditions of enlightenment, which is an earlier version of European arrogance. This has been transmitted across the colonised world, and nowadays many of us act or are expected to act in this way. Consequently, leaving little space for concentration on the experience of the body and communicating with it and letting it be.

In brief, I will go through my bodily experience. I will try my best to let my body be. Take me to the dance, and see how i shake it.

30 years of life should be danced at!

Personal Experiences on the Influenza in Mexico

The link below is from the BBC News, with real personal points of view from Mexicans. Please read them, as they display the fears; what people are experiencing, especially in hospitals; about the lack of information from the government; and, the general uncertainty about what is going on there.

The following is from the BBC News website.

Mexico flu: Your experiences

The only thing I would like to add is that I would wish that the UK people, would not be so arrogant as to think that 'this could only happen' in such an underdeveloped country or third world country. I heard an expression on this line this morning in BBC Breakfast, were the GP that often goes there to give advice spoke in this manner.

I think that people should also show some concern about the terrible amount of deceased in Mexico, instead of only being concerned about their backyards. I only perceive a profound poverty of sympathy here. It's saddening.