Not confused, just overwhelmed by the paradox

It is quite strange to realise that some of the (over)reactions to events, daily circumstances are the result of hormonal effects. In my view, the most surprising thing is that in spite of the awareness of the effects that hormonal unbalance brings into my response to events, it does not help me to feel better or to avoid responding the way I do. This way would normally be very very emotionally. Feelings of tender apprehension that take me to the limits of my mental disorder.

Sometimes, just like now, I wish I could manage and control. Isn't this supposed to be only a reaction from chemistry taking place in my body and brain? Is the effect of that reaction so powerful that does not allow me to execute a positive indifference to the pettiest of things? And the worst bit, or so i think now, is that due to the awareness of what causes my response, I must express that to the others, and let them patronise me at their leisure.

It is a paradoxical relationship between the body and the self. Too much to understand from the experience. Too little space/time to search and find the required patience/antidote before providing the regrettable response, specially with my closest ones, in my private social space. For instance, when I started writing this post, and while I was in the process of writing it, I was completely out of my head. I was even further disturbed to feel worse. But then, as I wrote and thought and expressed the loss of my self in this paradoxical relationship with the body, I felt calmer. No more unnecessary thoughts. However, this took me a while, and it wasn't easy to calm this well. But I'm at home, in a place where I can fully be and release from the chains of mutual misunderstanding and the need to save face.

Nevertheless, in a public social environment, such as being at work, sometimes I don't find the chance to calm and respond adequately. I mention the example of being at work, because unfortunately it has become the only social environment from which I participate and it has become my only point of reference and source of interaction to the social world... I know that such situation is one that feeds into the complexity of my current upheavals of emotions. If I would simply have more to do with other environments, I would probably felt that things were better than they are. But that is another story that remains to be written. Things will change for far better, very soon. Isn't the rule that the only way to break the paradox is to not participate from it?