Today I was in Extreme Need for Anger Management

Since the end of last week, I started to become more and more aware of the terrible situation at my office. This is in relation to my role here. I have realised, with the help of few conversations with colleagues, that I have not been wished to stay. The obvious wasn't to me.

I am furious for one reason: I have been terribly unhappy here for a while already and they could have done something about it much earlier. Instead, they have kept me here for a period of time that was not necessary. My anger is way to obvious to my colleagues, and that bothers me too. It bothers me because I then realised about my own stupidity, why am I anger? I should not. Inside of me, I'm happy very happy to know that I will no longer work in this particular department. Then, I should not feel angry. But why do I?

In the past, when I have been in situations of change, it has been me the one driving them (or so that has been my impression). At this point, I am not driving this change, and for long time I have depended on finding another job, but not even a single interview has happened so far. Thus, I have been forced to be in a place where I am not happy for many reasons. I know, my story is that of many other people. I am not in the worst of circumstances either because until today, at least, I still have a job and an income. So, I am not really truly complaining on that side. Not at all.

So, up until the early afternoon, I felt pretty much bad. And one of my office colleagues highlighted the fact that I am obviously angry. I felt terrible about it. She tried to convince me of what I already know, I should be happy about leaving soon. Then, I went out for my lunch break. And, after a while of wondering about I realised (me and my multiple realisations stage), that I feel terrible because my professional self-esteem has been trashed. For eight months I have been applying for jobs, knocking on people's doors in many ways asking them to give me a chance. To have faith in me. No one has had it. Then, I learn that here, where I work, I am not appreciated at all, and I am not expected to stay. So, I don't have a future and I don't have a past. If there is nothing that makes me feel worthwhile (professionally speaking), then how am I suppose to understand my current position in that area?

OK, so I have been somewhere where what I do is not appreciated. How am I meant to feel about that? What are the lessons to be learnt? I guess I have been working in the wrong place for all this time. I made a wrong choice. I will amend that. Yet, my track record of work does not seem to suit my current pursuit. There is the biggest challenge, which leads me to my final question. What then, do I need to do in order to achieve what I want to get?

I do need to do what I haven't be able to do in order to work where I want to work. But, how do i do that? And the how means: when?

There shall be a transition period. Like a butterfly that works hard on building its pupa before it nests in it.

Back to Basics

Well, it has been really long time since I decided to give myself time to write over here. I have actually been toying with the idea of revamping this blog, but for one reason or the other, I have not done so.

I would like to retake my writing because I need to have this kind of place to put down my ideas and feelings. Whether I will do it, it's another matter.

So, my main motivator for coming back to writing, has been that as of this moment, and for unknown time, I don't know on whether I'll have a job or not. I work in the higher education sector, and I work in a university that is slashing departments, because they need to adjust their finance. Because this is not a good university, it has terrible reviews due to the poor performance of demotivated staff, and less students will want to put their big money in this university. Therefore, in order to afford the lowering in students numbers, they are shrinking departments, eliminating jobs, and increasing the workload of others.

Where I am now, won't exist as it exists currently. It has already been restructured, however we, the employees, will not know what will happen to us until probably mid-July. In mid-July I will be out of the country, which means that my director will have to phone me up to tell me the news about my position. Isn't this lovely? I'm not moaning, as I know other people have it harder. I'm only being sarcastic, which is the only way I feed myself in circumstances like this.

Now, I am waiting to know. In the meantime, I keep myself busy, and try to think less when I can about the possibility of not having an income for an unprecise amount of time.