Since the end of last week, I started to become more and more aware of the terrible situation at my office. This is in relation to my role here. I have realised, with the help of few conversations with colleagues, that I have not been wished to stay. The obvious wasn't to me.
I am furious for one reason: I have been terribly unhappy here for a while already and they could have done something about it much earlier. Instead, they have kept me here for a period of time that was not necessary. My anger is way to obvious to my colleagues, and that bothers me too. It bothers me because I then realised about my own stupidity, why am I anger? I should not. Inside of me, I'm happy very happy to know that I will no longer work in this particular department. Then, I should not feel angry. But why do I?
In the past, when I have been in situations of change, it has been me the one driving them (or so that has been my impression). At this point, I am not driving this change, and for long time I have depended on finding another job, but not even a single interview has happened so far. Thus, I have been forced to be in a place where I am not happy for many reasons. I know, my story is that of many other people. I am not in the worst of circumstances either because until today, at least, I still have a job and an income. So, I am not really truly complaining on that side. Not at all.
So, up until the early afternoon, I felt pretty much bad. And one of my office colleagues highlighted the fact that I am obviously angry. I felt terrible about it. She tried to convince me of what I already know, I should be happy about leaving soon. Then, I went out for my lunch break. And, after a while of wondering about I realised (me and my multiple realisations stage), that I feel terrible because my professional self-esteem has been trashed. For eight months I have been applying for jobs, knocking on people's doors in many ways asking them to give me a chance. To have faith in me. No one has had it. Then, I learn that here, where I work, I am not appreciated at all, and I am not expected to stay. So, I don't have a future and I don't have a past. If there is nothing that makes me feel worthwhile (professionally speaking), then how am I suppose to understand my current position in that area?
OK, so I have been somewhere where what I do is not appreciated. How am I meant to feel about that? What are the lessons to be learnt? I guess I have been working in the wrong place for all this time. I made a wrong choice. I will amend that. Yet, my track record of work does not seem to suit my current pursuit. There is the biggest challenge, which leads me to my final question. What then, do I need to do in order to achieve what I want to get?
I do need to do what I haven't be able to do in order to work where I want to work. But, how do i do that? And the how means: when?
There shall be a transition period. Like a butterfly that works hard on building its pupa before it nests in it.
