Today I was in Extreme Need for Anger Management

Since the end of last week, I started to become more and more aware of the terrible situation at my office. This is in relation to my role here. I have realised, with the help of few conversations with colleagues, that I have not been wished to stay. The obvious wasn't to me.

I am furious for one reason: I have been terribly unhappy here for a while already and they could have done something about it much earlier. Instead, they have kept me here for a period of time that was not necessary. My anger is way to obvious to my colleagues, and that bothers me too. It bothers me because I then realised about my own stupidity, why am I anger? I should not. Inside of me, I'm happy very happy to know that I will no longer work in this particular department. Then, I should not feel angry. But why do I?

In the past, when I have been in situations of change, it has been me the one driving them (or so that has been my impression). At this point, I am not driving this change, and for long time I have depended on finding another job, but not even a single interview has happened so far. Thus, I have been forced to be in a place where I am not happy for many reasons. I know, my story is that of many other people. I am not in the worst of circumstances either because until today, at least, I still have a job and an income. So, I am not really truly complaining on that side. Not at all.

So, up until the early afternoon, I felt pretty much bad. And one of my office colleagues highlighted the fact that I am obviously angry. I felt terrible about it. She tried to convince me of what I already know, I should be happy about leaving soon. Then, I went out for my lunch break. And, after a while of wondering about I realised (me and my multiple realisations stage), that I feel terrible because my professional self-esteem has been trashed. For eight months I have been applying for jobs, knocking on people's doors in many ways asking them to give me a chance. To have faith in me. No one has had it. Then, I learn that here, where I work, I am not appreciated at all, and I am not expected to stay. So, I don't have a future and I don't have a past. If there is nothing that makes me feel worthwhile (professionally speaking), then how am I suppose to understand my current position in that area?

OK, so I have been somewhere where what I do is not appreciated. How am I meant to feel about that? What are the lessons to be learnt? I guess I have been working in the wrong place for all this time. I made a wrong choice. I will amend that. Yet, my track record of work does not seem to suit my current pursuit. There is the biggest challenge, which leads me to my final question. What then, do I need to do in order to achieve what I want to get?

I do need to do what I haven't be able to do in order to work where I want to work. But, how do i do that? And the how means: when?

There shall be a transition period. Like a butterfly that works hard on building its pupa before it nests in it.

Back to Basics

Well, it has been really long time since I decided to give myself time to write over here. I have actually been toying with the idea of revamping this blog, but for one reason or the other, I have not done so.

I would like to retake my writing because I need to have this kind of place to put down my ideas and feelings. Whether I will do it, it's another matter.

So, my main motivator for coming back to writing, has been that as of this moment, and for unknown time, I don't know on whether I'll have a job or not. I work in the higher education sector, and I work in a university that is slashing departments, because they need to adjust their finance. Because this is not a good university, it has terrible reviews due to the poor performance of demotivated staff, and less students will want to put their big money in this university. Therefore, in order to afford the lowering in students numbers, they are shrinking departments, eliminating jobs, and increasing the workload of others.

Where I am now, won't exist as it exists currently. It has already been restructured, however we, the employees, will not know what will happen to us until probably mid-July. In mid-July I will be out of the country, which means that my director will have to phone me up to tell me the news about my position. Isn't this lovely? I'm not moaning, as I know other people have it harder. I'm only being sarcastic, which is the only way I feed myself in circumstances like this.

Now, I am waiting to know. In the meantime, I keep myself busy, and try to think less when I can about the possibility of not having an income for an unprecise amount of time.

The Body and Social Conventions: When it is a social matter

There is nothing new on the way people behave in relation to pregnant women. In this case I refer to strangers, people unknown to us, people we have never spoken to but who for some reason decide they can speak to us about our pregnancy.

Since my bump started to become more obvious, people -mostly women, but few men too- looked at me with cartoon-like eyes, almost so wide open that feels they'll pop out from their wholes. Then, people would ask 'oh, when is it due?'; 'do you know what's gonna be?' (to which I would have wanted to reply: it's none of your business).

Others, would express how they relate to my pregnancy by stating that their daughters had given birth a week ago or so. They would even show me a picture on their mobile phone. Last saturday, due to the snowfall, a lady at the supermarket till told me to watch my step when leaving. Would she have said that if I would have not been pregnant? That lady, actually, added to my stress as I was carrying quite few bags....

Yep, these experiences are rather wide-ranging. I do find these comments awkward. I don't mind them too much. I know is a social convention and people truly don't give a shit.

Yet, my point for writing this here is not to only baffle about the social conventionality of the female pregnancy as socially owned by the community. That, I already knew well in advanced, specially because I come from a society where people are very nosy. My interest is in asking: why is it pregnancy the only (or I may be wrong in this assumption), body experience in which the social feel free to involve itself and thus this practice being widely accepted? When we see someone on a wheelchair, for example, do we ask them 'what happened to you?', 'oh, my son had an accident last week, look at his picture'. Not really, we don't do that.

Thus, what are the limits of the body experience and the involvement of the social with it? Where can I be allowed not to turn around and tell someone, 'not too bad, yourself?' as the usually said salutation? I'm not ungrateful, not at all. The social is basic and important to make us feel part of something, to remind us that we are part of a community one way or another, and not simply ghosts. Although, most of the time we are only ghosts. Is it that pregnancy is such a 'joyful' situation where people have learnt that they can rejoice with others and that those others (sh)(w)ould be glad to share?

Waiting, days counting

Well, xmas, wedding anniversary, new year and even my birthday are almost here. The last two weeks of December and the start of the new year are always eventful days in my life. This time around is the most eventful ever in my life. Baby is coming out, sooner or later, and we are waiting for it.

There are times in the day that I fell quite well, not baby related thoughts. However, there are other moments when all that I could only have in my mind is baby and wondering about its livelihood inside of me. What is the secret life of a foetus? What does it do in there all day long? Must be quite boring, I think. It doesn't get much light, only hears the stupid music I listen to, the sounds of the kitchen (which is the place I spend a lot of my time), the sound of the telly (seldom on), and my laughter and conversations with my other-half. Ah, it may also sense when I move and it gets uncomfortable, just as I do. Must hear the sounds of the street, cars and bicycles, people. Now that I've written all of this, I think that it does have lots of stimuli, many things go on around it. The main difference between now and when it comes out from me, is that then, it will be (hopefully) less uncomfortable and very noisy!!!

I think that its participatory existence will be the strangest of situations for all of us. Although it currently participates of our lives, it does not have as much of an impact as it will have once it's out! I cannot begin to imagine the impact of its presence in our lives.

In the meantime, it is xmas preparation. Have the ham, and a list of many things that we need to gather like the squirrels we are. Also, need to decorate the house. The only decoration I've got around are the xmas cards we've received from family and friends. The cheap faux-tree has been in the kitchen for few days already... we've been too busy doing other stuff. Today, we shall make this house xmasssy.

Tomorrow, I'll try to figure out how to entertain myself once again.

Joulupukki

Hohohohohoho!!!!

Just a brief but certain expression of outrage

Right, so the British media has been telling us that one hundred soldiers have been killed during 2009 in their invasion of Afghanistan. My outrage comes from the logic that the war affairs entail: if you go to war, you may get killed. If you don't go to war, you may not get killed in war-styled manner (like hand-grenades, car bombs, etc.). As it is the case at least in the UK, people here are less likely to be killed vie war-like ways. Contrary to that, many other people in the world die as a consequence of war-like events, but that shall not matter to the Brits. As long as something does not touch them, it is irrelevant. However, this is socially natural.

So, the proposition of 'compassion' that we, the public in the UK, should be having for soldiers who enrol themselves into a war and participate of an ideology as the one behind this whole business that I'm not discussing here, and thus who get killed as a consequence, do make me feel like we, the public, are way too underestimated. Yet, I'm very sure that many members of the society do really fall for the information they are provided and they respond to the manipulation accordingly.

Now, my outrage is engrossed when I read, for instance,that just today over hundred people were killed due to explosions in Baghdad alone. Nonetheless, the one place that the UK media has given seldom attention, due to their little relationships with that country is Mexico. Today it has been reported that as of this year seven thousand people (7,000 people -civilians including elderly and children, Zetas, drug-dealers and the like-) have died due to the drug wars in Mexico.

But who gives a toss about that? Only monkeys like me who jump up and down trying to overcome the sheer fear and despair for the things that are happening and may potentially affect more and more the society of a country with such an endemic corruption. A place that at the same time is full of hope for better things to come for its people. These kind of events are closer to many of us than we realised or than we want to think. Yet, it's taking way to long to understand that.

Enter the Winter

As my first display for the upcoming winter, I'll fall with one of the most typical images of this side of the world: a robin. It's a pic borrowed from The Guardian showing a little bird standing on a frosty ground. This has been the first week, at least in England, when winter has been felt, so I thought it would sort of be the right moment to present one way in which the winter days are being experienced (at least by me) as of now.

On another note, it is one calendar month to the due date! My tiny little cake is still baking, and in a couple of weeks time will be ready set. Afterwards, it'll be a matter of continue the wait to meet the result: baby. I'll write more about that during the forthcoming waiting days.